Fears and Regrets
by kibitzer
Summary: Ryu didn't see it coming. He didn't have the chance to prevent it either. He could only hope.


**Fears and Regrets**

**XRiz:** Hello, here's my sorta initiation fic for ffnet, it's just a semi-drabble, one-shot, just for practice, but reviews are welcome.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Detective School Q

I didn't like to think I was too late. I didn't like to think that all these were my fault. I tried to do what's right, didn't I? I strayed away from what I know was wrong.

I didn't give in.

_You place your friends in danger._

I tried to save them.

_Yet you failed._

I didn't know this was going to happen.

_Neither did they._

All I wanted was to be free, unbound by the burden of guilt. Had my past faults been to much that it overshadowed my change? I'd like to think it didn't.

I'd like to think that at the moment, I wasn't at fault. I'd like to think that I wasn't one to mourn.

But besides that, I wasn't crying, my eyes were dry. There were just no tears for me to shed, maybe they were right. Maybe I was too cold. But still… I'd like to think I wasn't.

I crawled over one of them, wincing as my muscles restrained my movement. I closed my eyes, closed them shut, as the screams of agony repeated themselves in my head. I looked at my hands, soaked in blood, then at my reflection on the rippling water. I didn't expect this. I didn't want this.

Kyu was smiling. And I hated the way he stayed optimistic when he learned the truth. How could he still stay positive when he learned that I, one of his friends, had caused him this? Caused him his death?

_Where's the bright side in that, Kyu? Where?_

_… "I'm sorry."_

I fought to stand up and almost wanted to drop back down when I saw two more. I felt my knees weaken and I tried to move away but sturdy arms helped me up and threw me against the wall. I could see tears, and wondered where was mine.

"You're a bastard, you know that?" he screamed at me in a quivering voice that somehow soothed me. I guess, I deserved this.

"I know, Kinta, I know." I smiled.

The tears came down more forcefully, how does he do that? "Don't call me by my first name." he demanded. Who was I to refuse?

"…I won't."

He walked away and I tried not to look at him, even if it meant looking at the lifeless bodies of our classmates. The place was a pool of red, and I tried not to think that we were the ones swimming in it.

"Was it my fault?" I asked, staring at Kazuma's face, streaked with blood and peacefulness as his hands rested above the keyboard of his small black laptop that had helped me and Kinta survive. We owe our lives to the little guy.

_He should've saved himself… yet he saved me._

_…"It's not your fault Ryu."_

_"It's wasn't?"_

_"No…"_

"Yes." Kinta answered after a while and walked over to Megu's face and closed her fear-stricken eyes.

"…what should I do then?"

"It's too late."

"Is it?"

"Yes."

I slid back down on the ground, as if the wall supporting me has crumbled down, and I watched with weary eyes as Kinta helped Nanami-san and Hongou-sensei carry the dead carcasses on the van. I should have been helping, yet I remained immobile.

"I tried saving them, you know." I said in such a weak voice. That was false reasoning though, I knew… since they were the ones who ended up saving me. In the end, it wasn't what you _tried _to do, but what you accomplished.

This time, Kinta didn't reply, I much rather he did because the gaze he gave me was the very one I feared. It was the sole reason why I didn't reveal my connection with my grandfather's organization. That look of hurt, the look of betrayal, was the reason I stayed in DDS, the reason why they were my friends, and the reason why now, Kyu, Megu and Kazuma are dead.

My eyes started to close, I hoped I was going too.

"Get up."

_I can't._

"Don't escape."

_I'm not._

"This is all your fault."

"I didn't mean to."

"It doesn't matter."

I looked up, past the face of a broken classmate into the starless skies, and tried to block out the screams of the forlorn individuals. My eyes closed, and I imagined other things beyond the miseries. I'd like to think this never happened. I'd like to think we were still on vacation, drowning in leisure instead of pain. I'd like to think that the ambush didn't happen, that Yurie didn't come at the last moment revealing to everyone that I was the heir, telling everyone that I was an enemy. I'd like to think that they, everyone, was still alive.

Kinta's gaze softened, as if he was sympathizing with me. I hoped he was. "Live with it," he said. "Regretting won't make them come back."

"I know."

I just liked to think there wasn't anything to regret.

**:owari:**

**XRiz: **I hoped that wasn't too corny. If it confused you, just say so. Thanks for reading.


End file.
